cats that hate you.

my personal favorite: "Anubis hates you because he is a god, and you are not. He is displeased with the mere mortals that surround him, he will shit on their beds."

or perhaps it's this:"As I sit here, imprisoned by my monkey-faced turd of a human, I silently relish the thought of every night, I creep up, sit on his face, and fart ever so smugly into his gaping mouth."